Many times the old traumas and hurts of our past come up even though they have fallen behind the waking line of consciousness. When out of the subconscious, the shadows of our past take control and begin to manipulate our feelings and emotions. This is just what happened to me when I was on a vacation bringing in the New Year.

Most of the time I am partially antisocial, and I create this space of isolation. But this was not available to me these past few days when sharing a large home in the desert with friends.

I started playing my instrument and singing in the living room. I was having a grand old time. But after an hour I was asked to stop.

Immediately my attitude started to crash. It took me all night to stay vigilant to investigate all the negative feelings coming up. “You sound horrible.” “Who do you think you are?” “You are not a musician.” And on and on my negative voice told me how I was not good enough.

Because I was present for the event, I recognized them as shadows from my past. Those old wounds that occurred when my family would criticize and put me down. Those old wounds hurt a lot back then. But being aware that those were old, I was also thinking about being in a different place. In the past I would spiral down to a very dark and negative place. I was able, through prayer and meditation, to remain vigilant with the intention of keeping my attitude positive while observing the situation.

I had even imagined telling my partner that I was not going to go anywhere in the future; I wanted to stay home. “You can’t make me go anywhere.” “I am happy at home in my space.” When I shared with her in the morning, I realized that I felt a newfound freedom. After the night of processing and feeling insecure, I also felt more alive than ever.

And even as I share with you now, I feel the effervescence of life flooding into my soul as I rise up to this day and the challenges it will bring knowing that no matter the shadows of the past I am strong and able to transform all that comes my way.