Be the person who breaks the cycle.
If you were judged, choose understanding.
If you were rejected, choose acceptance.
If you were shamed, choose compassion.
Be the person you needed when you were hurting, not the person who hurt you. Vow to be better than what broke you. Vow to heal instead of becoming bitter so you can act from your heart, not your pain.
Lori Deschene
Most people are dominated by their minds as they try to avoid any feelings that the mind is perceiving. Most people also probably think they are coming from their hearts. But the mind can easily trick us into believing that we are good-hearted people doing the right thing. Many might incorrectly think that being heart-centered is equal to being weak.
But this heart space is what creates the best insights, inspiration, and creativity. And no worries, you can have boundaries while living in this space. It is just that the new boundaries are coming from the heart and not the head.
We actually create healthier relationships by being heart-centered because we have empathy and compassion for the other person. And lastly, we are actually more authentic living from this space, because we can access the part of us that connects to others.
The mind is powerful and needs to be used for analyzing and reasoning, but in instances of big decisions, the heart always wins, especially if other people are involved in the equation. Let’s say you are inspired to do something in your life; take a course correction in your career for example. That is coming from your heart.
But what happens immediately after is that the doubts and fears start popping up. “What if I am not good enough?” “I am too old to start this now.” Your energy has just shifted into your mind where doubt and fear live. Any thoughts that are limiting you to be the full expression of yourself are not heart-centered thoughts.
Anytime you are sitting in judgment about another person, your mind is running the show. Anytime you must defend and rationalize, you are operating out of your mind. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but you might come to the realization that your mind limits you. The first step is just to observe without judgment and practice shifting your energy into your heart. Try to find the balance of living from a place of acceptance and love. In this space, you will always make the most conscious and loving choices for yourself.
I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.
A man who has not passed through the inferno of his passions has never overcome them. As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being. Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
Your visions will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.
Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darkness of other people.
When people make choices to not go along with my foolishness, they are rejecting me. But are they? Don’t they have a right to choose peace in their home and environment? The whole communication is charged with my resentment now. I was staying with someone and they told me if I continued to come home loaded, they were going to ask me to leave. I did it anyway, ignoring the warning. I was kicked out the their house and found myself at the Midnight Mission with bed bugs and a restless night. I had no one to blame but myself, but my mind would not let go of the idea that I was rejected, I was put out, I was miserable, and it was someone else’s fault. I asked her, “How can you call yourself a Christian and throw me out on the street?” But when asked the question, “How would you have dealt with it?” I laughed and said that I would have kicked me out too. I realize that relapse is a part of my recovery, over and over again. The saddest part of addiction is that the obsessive compulsive behavior disorder is on full display all the time. I am trying to use the same mind to reason my way out. The real idea is that you need to let go of the old mind and allow new ideas, emotions, and perceptions to govern your life. Principles before personality becomes the remedy.
We all have a need for love, acceptance, and approval. We can never make these needs go away. And because life and people are not perfect in our world, many of our needs were not met when we were young. This created painful memories, basically a wound. We usually try and hide our wounds with a personality wall. We hide the pain from others and even ourselves. We tuck this one away. We keep that one protected and hidden. We don’t want to feel that pain again because it was hurtful enough when it happened! Eventually, we even start to believe the cover story we have created.
The easiest way to heal our psychological wounding is to focus on sharing kindness. How does that work, that sounds too easy. Well, it does sound easy at first, but it has to be genuine kindness to another human being. Try practicing this for one whole day.
When you move throughout your day sharing kindness toward others a surprising thing happens. You will come face to face with your wounding and your level of need. With just one day of focusing upon genuinely sharing kindness, what happens is that you will run into a place where you are simply out of fuel. There is no more energy to be kind. And then note the moment you resent doing this. When there is that moment of resentment, observe without judgment as you move into introspection to look deeper within. And what you will find is your wound. But more importantly, beyond the wound is an unfulfilled need from the past.
And here is the opportunity to begin fulfilling your level of need. Do you need to simply accept yourself more? And then share that acceptance with another person. And it is through this genuine exchange of kindness that you will start your journey to healing, the journey to becoming authentic and whole. Our lives have never worked well when we are aloof, cold, and distant toward others or even animals. You have an amazing power within and you never have to look outside to others for your healing. Simple, yes. Easy, probably not. But absolutely worth it!
Instagram: dynamics_of_recovery
We have all been there and done that. Had the obsessive thoughts that would not stop which eventually led to having overwhelming feelings of worry and fear. Even when we try and shift our thoughts and feelings into hope and gratitude, they seem to naturally fall into the void of negative influence. Why do we worry so much? What happens in our minds when we are under the influence of fear and worry? It is all in how we are perceiving the situation.
But perceptions interfere with the direct wisdom from the creator. They create distortions in how we view things, how we feel about things; they have a great influence on our senses. Then we start the dialogues of, “What if…?” We go back to things that did not occur how we wanted them to, and incorrectly make assumptions that it will happen again. Then we start creating from a space of disharmony and distortion. It becomes a perpetual wave and cycle of fear, doubt, insecurities, and worries. It is a projection into the future so you are not living in the present moment. Now you are a participant of your own fear. Ideas, emotions, and attitudes always dominate us. But how do we shift into a healthy perception full of high vibrational energy?
When you learn to be still and quiet you will be able to go beyond the distortions and enter into a space of energy that is peaceful and blissful. It is in this space where you will find the solutions you are looking for; things that you never considered before. Einstein said, “You can never solve a problem from the same energy that created it.” Simply listen and let go, trust that a solution will soon become clear.
Yesterday I was assigned the task of doing a wellness check on one of our choir members from The Urban Voices Project who had not checked in for a few weeks. I felt an apprehension and anxiety because the last time I did a wellness check, it ended badly. Three years ago, I found my good friend Brian, deceased from a heroin overdose.
I felt a flood of emotions unleash in me again. Brian struggled with always wanting to feel “normal.” But his idea of what normal was, was distorted. He stopped doing all the things that were healthy for him. I saw the signs, but I could not do anything about it. I felt helpless for months as I saw him spiral out of control.
The truth was I had a resentment that he had died, that he went back to shooting up. How dare he? I connected the dots yesterday and said a prayer to release myself from this bondage and to release Brian from any condemnation.
Our resentments are often buried so deep within, and it takes an intense and honest examination to uncover them. There has to be a moment of truth that emerges in order to release any negativity that does not serve you. Many times, the truth is buried so deep because we get caught up in all the negative emotions. We can get stuck in all the muck of negative feelings. When I took a moment and a breath, I could investigate my reactions.
I found I had suppressed a wave of anger I had toward my good friend Brian. Life showed me that I was his brother, and I will always cherish our relationship. It was time to release that resentment and feel the love in my heart toward my brother in spirit.
The choir that I co-founded, The Urban Voices Project was recording over this past weekend. I decided not to participate for various reasons. In hindsight, I was taking the easy way out. I was looking forward to relaxing, playing video games, and watching television. My mind was set on this scenario.
Often times we have an attitude about activities and events, or special gifts that we have. I had a conversation with myself, ‘I really don’t want to sing’, ‘I want to stay home and not be bothered.’ But they insisted amid my protests. They accommodated me with two rehearsals and two workshops. I was scheduled to record on Saturday even though I still had some reluctance.
All of a sudden, I am asked to pick up another member who was to record before me. My complaints and protestations came loudly in my mind. My mind had every excuse on why I should not be bothered and how it was becoming too much. Maybe I should back out again?!
I stopped and picked that person up, which was not my idea of how to spend my weekend. But when I started talking to her, she had a fascination with crystals, one of my favorite things in the world. She and her sister just started working with crystals and they only knew to buy them on Amazon. I started getting excited. I offered to take her to my crystal outlet downtown after the recording. I gave her lots of encouragement, advice, and the one thing I love to do in this world. I helped her with her energy field.
I felt like the universe played a trick on me. But it was my mind playing the tricks; being its usual self. My ideas, my emotions, and my attitude dominated me, but the universe gave me an opportunity to share my gifts. Thankfully I did not get stuck in a negative attitude or become too stubborn and miss out. The minute I said yes, the energy changed and it became a magical day. I was laughing and feeling so uplifted after my day ended, sharing my experience with my partner and others.
Most of us live externally, being stimulated by external events, activities, people, places and things. When really we are powerless over them.
What is driving your life today? Maybe it is the new job, new relationship, old job, old relationship, or simply the future.
How come we make things outside of ourselves the center of our lives?
None of these things seem to fulfill us, it is impossible to have them last. We get a rush of excitement over a new pair of shoes, but that is fleeting. Then we want something else, more to give us a rush of energy. Welcome to the source of discontentment!
All it takes is asking the right question and sitting quietly to shift from external to internal. And to sit through any discomfort and any feeling to move through the experience and go deeper for insight.
Many times something will come up in our minds that can trigger into a question. For example, you can’t help but notice that you keep having potential dates cancel. It is too easy to just blame the other person. But if this is a pattern, it begs for an examination What is my part in this situation? Listen. Feel all the feelings, look at all the things that come up for examination. This is one of the biggest keys to unlocking traumas from your past in order to bring a sense of freedom and help create new healthy patterns and habits.
Many times our days are highjacked from events from our past. Internal memories being stimulated by external events. This can cause us to not be present in the moment. So what’s the matter?
Do you find yourself reminiscing or daydreaming about the past only to find yourself out of sorts, angry, or irritated? If so, you are under the influence of unexamined emotions and feelings caused by past events.
These events were unpleasant, or as we say wounds. Wounds that send out ideas that affect your emotions that create attitudes in the moment.
Because the wound has not been addressed, it has the ability to highjack your day, the hour, the moment. You are living in the past trying to be in the present, and projecting into the future. These are signals within your body; you are upset for no reason at all. Because your wounds have not been addressed, they can divert your joy and happiness at any given hour or day. You are being influenced by the past, trying to living in the present, while projecting about the future.
How many times do you keep going over and over things from the past? You are under the influence of your past wounds trying to find a freedom that is elusive.
How do you become the observer and not the participant? In order to deal with your past hurts, you must feel it to heal it. You can become your own healer, by moving it throughout your body. Then it will no longer have the same influence over your ideas, attitudes, and emotions.
Many times the healthy way is to ask, “Why am I feeling this way?” Stop and listen to what the answer is. Maybe you were hit as a child when you dropped your food. Observe. Feel. Accept. Breathe. Release. Now feel the freedom from releasing the past and making room for something brighter and lighter.
On January 31st, 2020 I made a birthday wish for myself. From now on, I wanted my disposition to be healthy and expressed in a wholesome way. I wished to go from the unnatural nature of profane to the natural nature of saintly. I wanted to get this desired experience of life right in order to soar among the stars of my heart and soul. Knowing that my life is an inside job and often the unexplored parts of our human nature need examining, I was willing to do the work. My goals were to be in a like-minded community and to be better today than I was yesterday. Loving all unconditionally as their paths crossed mine. With this disposition I have learned to create a condition of well-being in any moment, living in my heart of love and light! Now, life is beautiful every day and I am able to share my disposition with others.
Oscar Wilde said you could tell a lot about a man if you put a mask on him. How would you act with a mask on that disguised your real identity? Would there be consistency or integrity to your behavior? Or are you one of those people who send out nasty anonymous messages via the internet? If you watch the film Groundhog Day, there is a moment when Bill Murray starts to become authentic, when he starts acting from principles and not from his personality or wounds. It was the only way he could transform his situation and this set him free. It is an excellent metaphor for our lives too.
It was once said that our ideas, emotions, and attitudes dominate us. Let’s examine attitudes and the influence they can have on the quality of your life, both positive and negative.
Overall, how do you view life? Do you have a positive outlook and are you hopeful for the future? Do you wake up each morning excited for the new day, new opportunities, and even the inevitable challenges? Or do you wake up grumpy and pessimistic? These attitudes all happen within the machinations of the mind. But what kind of a mind do you have?
Has your mind fooled you into thinking you can continually be angry and resentful and still have a life of well-being and contentment? Our perceptions can constantly hijack our sensibilities and reasonings. We are filtering everything through our preconceived perceptions. For example, ‘All fishermen are lazy because they sit all day at the lake.’ But is that the entire truth of the matter? Perhaps many of them work long hours during the week and this is how they provide extra food for their families. I may not see the positive side because my attitude has set in stone that they are lazy, and no one can convince me otherwise and that is just the way it is. Now, I am filtering my outlook in life by this one aspect of my mind. “Oh no, it has me in bondage!” Not only am I filtering the fisherman by this sort of filter but many other interactions of my life.
Did you know that Gratitude shields you from negativity and makes you at least 25% happier? It also actually rewires your brain!
Being aware of any negative attitudes you harbor is the beginning of finding freedom from perceptions that no longer serve you and that are not necessarily true.
We are seeing this played out right before our eyes with a President who cannot fathom giving up his position of power in the world. He was willing to risk everything and everyone for the chance to retain the title of the world’s most powerful leader, the President of the United States. He became blinded by his own obsessions and compulsions, resorting to lies and manipulations to further his delusions. It is both scary and sad to watch this unfold in scenes and with people who we thought could never be corrupted. But they too have become addicted to the positions of power that they hold in our congress. They have forgotten what it means to serve the people and the country.
For most people, it is hard to comprehend that millionaires and especially billionaires could be addicted to money. We might think, but they are already rich, they do not need anymore.
The big book says, “Money, property, and prestige diverts us from our primary purpose.” The struggle for wealth, power, and prestige can tear humanity apart.
What is our primary purpose? To become whole and authentic human beings.
Remember that addiction is not about the substance. It is about how you are living. How healthy are your thoughts and behaviors? Are you trying to fill up a hole within yourself to no avail?
“The healthy man does not torture others - generally it is the tortured who turn into torturers.” Dr. Carl Jung
We each bear responsibility for the restoration of decency, respect, and conservation to our world. It is time to heal not only ourselves but the world. It all starts with you.
Many times the old traumas and hurts of our past come up even though they have fallen behind the waking line of consciousness. When out of the subconscious, the shadows of our past take control and begin to manipulate our feelings and emotions. This is just what happened to me when I was on a vacation bringing in the New Year.
Most of the time I am partially antisocial, and I create this space of isolation. But this was not available to me these past few days when sharing a large home in the desert with friends.
I started playing my instrument and singing in the living room. I was having a grand old time. But after an hour I was asked to stop.
Immediately my attitude started to crash. It took me all night to stay vigilant to investigate all the negative feelings coming up. “You sound horrible.” “Who do you think you are?” “You are not a musician.” And on and on my negative voice told me how I was not good enough.
Because I was present for the event, I recognized them as shadows from my past. Those old wounds that occurred when my family would criticize and put me down. Those old wounds hurt a lot back then. But being aware that those were old, I was also thinking about being in a different place. In the past I would spiral down to a very dark and negative place. I was able, through prayer and meditation, to remain vigilant with the intention of keeping my attitude positive while observing the situation.
I had even imagined telling my partner that I was not going to go anywhere in the future; I wanted to stay home. “You can’t make me go anywhere.” “I am happy at home in my space.” When I shared with her in the morning, I realized that I felt a newfound freedom. After the night of processing and feeling insecure, I also felt more alive than ever.
And even as I share with you now, I feel the effervescence of life flooding into my soul as I rise up to this day and the challenges it will bring knowing that no matter the shadows of the past I am strong and able to transform all that comes my way.
"Study the path of others to make your way easier and more abundant. Lean toward the whispers of your own heart, discover the universal truth, and follow its dictates. Know that the truth always leads to love and the perpetuation of peace. Its products are never bitterness and strife. Clothe yourself in the work of love, in the revolutionary work of nonviolent resistance against evil. Anchor the eternity of love in your own soul and embed this planet with goodness. Release the need to hate, to harbor division, and the enticement of revenge. Release all bitterness. Hold only love, only peace in your heart, knowing that the battle of good to overcome evil is already won. Choose confrontation wisely, but when it is your time don’t be afraid to stand up, speak up, and speak out against injustice. And if you follow your truth down the road to peace and the affirmation of love, if you shine like a beacon for all to see, then the poetry of all the great dreamers and philosophers is yours to manifest in a nation, a world community, and a Beloved Community that is finally at peace with itself." [1]
Why do I do the things I do? I am desperate. I have a need to be rescued. They come and help me. And then I make a mess of things and I start to run. I leave a path of destruction in my path.
There is a presentation about your life that you generally give to others. But underneath lies the truth of the matter. The indicators and evidence are there if we are not being fooled by the cover story.
The cover story is what I tell people; it is never the truth. I am just trying to manipulate people and create a smoke screen so they don’t see who I really am. I only need a cover story if my life is unmanageable. If I am ashamed of my past and my behavior. If I am desperate.
Shame has a little brother called guilt. Both shame and guilt can eat you up so it becomes a vicious cycle of self-medication to ease the pain and suffering that you keep imposing upon yourself. What soothes or calms you becomes your habit.
At the root are the obsessive-compulsive thoughts and behaviors driving your every day decision making, or rather lack of decision making. And underneath all of that, are all the wounds from growing up. All of the traumas and pains that are unresolved and unhealed.
It is impossible to be your authentic self or to even know who you really are when the wounds are driving your thoughts and behaviors. We all have a burning desire to be free and unrestricted in life, to have liberation. It is impossible if we never address the dark side of our nature emanating from our pain. It is never easy, but starts with honesty and acceptance. You just need to take the first step. Can you be honest today? How about tomorrow?
Unity, Service and Recovery are the three key proponents of the AA program. If you ignore one of them, the triangle is broken and cannot function in its greatest capacity.
Just going to meetings and reading the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous will not give you the results that you want. Service to others is one of the very things that will help you to stay sober, but it has to be unconditional. The people who have the greatest success are the ones who dedicate their lives to helping others, not looking for anything in return.
This is no easy task for anyone, especially an addict. Their lives have always been a selfish one, a ‘what’s in it for me’ attitude. Their internal programs are centered around how something is always about them, how it might benefit them, and how they can keep satisfying their needs and wants. In order to break this cycle, the three pillars, Unity, Service, and Recovery, must be incorporated into their lives.
We can all benefit from service work. Do you remember how you felt when you performed an act of kindness for a person in need? It probably left a warm spot in your heart and every time you think about it. I remember when I got my first sponsee. I looked forward to sharing with him every Saturday. But one day, he just stopped showing up and I felt like a failure and was so disappointed. I shared this with my sponsor, Big Rock, and he gave me the greatest advice. He said, “Christopher, I need you more than you need me!” His words have stuck with me for many years and I have come to understand them more and more as time goes on.
It is when we do something for others that we are the ones who benefit from it because it helps us grow in our spiritual nature. It gets us out of our ego self and connects us more to our higher self.
Ask yourself, “How can I be of service to another person today?” The answers will come, especially if your house is in order.
This is a pretty well-known quote from the Bible and I have often contemplated its meaning. It seems to me that every time we are faced with a challenge, there appears a fork in the road. One path leads toward humility, surrender, and acceptance. The other path leads to fighting the inevitable, doubling down, and resistance. This passage from the bible is giving us a clue as to which choice will lead to more fulfillment in our lives.
Every time we see something as a setback or roadblock, our ego takes over and our rational mind tries to solve the issue. Every time we engage in self-pity or anger, the clever mind is in control of our behaviors and attitudes.
If we take the road less traveled and accept our challenges with humility and faith, it feeds and nourishes our soul and therefore our spiritual growth. If we can have faith that every life lesson we are presented with is for our highest good, then we can stop resisting life itself.
It is through this attitude shift that new opportunities will be given to you. When you realize that you are not in control of everything and everybody in your life, a sense of freedom emerges. When you can live in humility and gratefulness, you will become like the “meek” and you can inherit all the bounties that are available here on earth. But you will also soon realize that the most valuable bounties are not material in nature.
The clever mind will try to trick you into believing that becoming humble and meek is a sign of weakness; being vulnerable is being weak. But the truth is that is just one choice. Our experience proves otherwise. We ask you to become meek, become humble and you will reap countless rewards from life.