Why Do I Do The Things I Do?

Why do I do the things I do? I am desperate. I have a need to be rescued. They come and help me. And then I make a mess of things and I start to run. I leave a path of destruction in my path.

There is a presentation about your life that you generally give to others. But underneath lies the truth of the matter. The indicators and evidence are there if we are not being fooled by the cover story.

The cover story is what I tell people; it is never the truth. I am just trying to manipulate people and create a smoke screen so they don’t see who I really am. I only need a cover story if my life is unmanageable. If I am ashamed of my past and my behavior. If I am desperate.

Shame has a little brother called guilt. Both shame and guilt can eat you up so it becomes a vicious cycle of self-medication to ease the pain and suffering that you keep imposing upon yourself. What soothes or calms you becomes your habit.

At the root are the obsessive-compulsive thoughts and behaviors driving your every day decision making, or rather lack of decision making. And underneath all of that, are all the wounds from growing up. All of the traumas and pains that are unresolved and unhealed.

It is impossible to be your authentic self or to even know who you really are when the wounds are driving your thoughts and behaviors. We all have a burning desire to be free and unrestricted in life, to have liberation. It is impossible if we never address the dark side of our nature emanating from our pain. It is never easy, but starts with honesty and acceptance. You just need to take the first step. Can you be honest today? How about tomorrow?